No new updates here-guess we are experiencing one of those timing set backs that wise families before us have warned about…
However, through this long wait we have had so many supportive colleagues, friends, and family inquire on how things are going. They are shocked that this step is taking so long and want to know why. I think 6 months into this step we had answers, but now approaching 9 months of limbo, we really have no idea… but we do feel a sense of peace and comfort that the Lord is holding him close and taking good care of him. He somehow loves Makai even more than Eric and I ever could, which is mind boggling and we have been trying to rest in that truth.
Through all the inquiry, care, and concern- we’ve had the opportunity to teach many people about the beauty and challenges of the adoption process. I realize that most people are not as fortunate as I am in having adopted family members. They don’t understand the timing or process, but they really don’t understand the joy either.
I have been thinking about what we could share that would be helpful for those who don’t know much about adoption. After some thought I think an important thing to share is our reactions to the questions we get. Of course other families going through the process may have similar or different reactions, focus group of 2 here, but we would love to hear how other adoptive families have reacted.
1) “Have you heard any news about Kai?”
This is one of my favorite questions to get, yet ironically probably the question that people apologize for the most! It’s typically preceded with or followed by “I’m sorry to ask” or “you don’t have to answer if it hurts.” We love this question because it demonstrates that so many people are thinking about and praying for him. They are anxious for us to pick him up and to meet him in person! Even when it’s a sad day, I count it as joy to get to talk about him. I think if we were waiting for a match still it may be a different answer, but since that part is past, Question 1= always ok (for us).
2) “Don’t worry, after you bring Kai home I’m sure you’re going to get pregnant.”
I’ve probably been told this (innocently) or a version of it 15-20 times- and almost every time by someone that I know cares deeply for us, and who often knows we did experience a few years of trying to conceive unsuccessfully- so I have to cut them a little slack because I think it comes from a sweet place. Every time it hurts but I try not to make the concerned questioner realize how deep their question cut. To me it’s an obviously hurtful question but I think I’m too close to the subject.
Would they say that to someone who is pregnant and awaiting delivering their child? Never. Do they think I’m not excited to bring Kai home? Not at all. Do they think the only true happiness or family can come biologically? We sure don’t, I hope they don’t. We don’t see adoption as a compromise or a last option- it’s the only way we could bring Kai into our family. We were never told that we cannot biologically have a child, though it may be true or not, regardless, we just chose to pursue adoption at this time.
Maybe what people don’t realize is that Kai is the perfect son for us, at the perfect time. Would we have wanted to have him 2 years ago? Definitely. But that’s not how our story goes. Question 2- I think it’s safe to say it’s a no-no for anyone going through adoption.
The other question people ask us is
3) “Are you ever going to have real children? Or children of your own?”
I don’t get it- even though all our adoption classes warned us about it. We get it almost as much as question 2. The opposite of real is imaginary- do they think Kai is imaginary? Maybe it is hard to realize he is a real child when you haven’t met him before, but he is definitely real. And if he is not my own, who is? Or who’s is he? He’s our son. A real human being, we aren’t giving him to anyone else.
Maybe this is just a slip of the tongue for language, but it’s hurtful and one of the few questions that I will correct people for asking, hopefully gently. I typically give a fake laugh and say “well, Kai is our real son, and maybe in the future we may or may not have more kids. We can’t see into the future!” Question 3, a no… for everyone I think.
4) What do you know about his birth mom?”
This is a tricky one- I think it’s fine to ask… though sometimes people slip with the “real mom” comment… see previous question 🙂 However we have to respect Kai’s story and give him the right to determine who will get to hear it. Outside of our families, we try to keep the details minimal, and especially online (this stuff lives forever people!). We will be completely honest with him about the details we have, and not to make up the unknowns. When he gets older he can choose to share that or not. Regardless of that decision, we love and admire her. Question 4 is a yes-ish for us.
The other questions we often get we’ve been addressing throughout the blog already- like about why it takes so long, what’s the process, why Thailand, etc. Hopefully this was helpful for you. I’ve come to realize that the way our family is growing is a little non traditional, so when we get the bad questions, I have to give a little grace!